This evening, someone called me and we had a long convos. At first I was very happy with the convos until that someone (I will refer it as “J” ) brought up some topic I hate the most. it’s about one of my family member. The topic I want to get rid the most, and J brought it up. I am not hating J for it. I hate myself because I couldnt say something to defend. Not because I dont believe my family. It’s because I couldn’t talk back to J.
Basically, this topic woke up the grudge I’ve been trying to hold up till now. I know, holding any grudge is no good. Mom nags me a lot about holding a grudge and trying to take an avenge are not good and only destroying myself. Holding grudges and want to take avenge are the nature of snakes. Mom said, if I still holding on to them, then I am as low as snake.
First thing that came up on my mind when me and J were talking is planning a revenge. I know I don’t have any power right now, but who knows what will happen in next few years? Yeah, I am as low as snake. it’s not the first time J talk bad about my family member. I am not blaming J. I am blaming myself for not standing in the front to defend my family.
Not long after I ended my convos with J, mom called me. and something slapped me on my face.
Allah swt won’t allow me to degrade myself as low as snake. That’s why Allah makes my mom called me right after I ended my convos with J, to wake me up and pull me out of my anger.
Allah has a plan for me and my family. Everything that happens in this world are not happening w/o Allah’s will.
Whatever story that J could come up with, it’s up to J. I will not hear anything bad about my family anymore. and I won’t believe it.
J can believe what J wanna believe.
and me too!
I just wanna believe what I want to believe. And I wanna see what I am willing to see. If we don’t believe our family member, then who would believe them and help them? I know my family that anybody else in this world. And I am more than willing to die or sacrifice myself for my family.
You can say whatever you want but Allah swt never sleeps. Only Allah and ourselves know better.
I might sound annoying, rude or bad and whiny, but whatever. i don’t live in this world only to hear about what people think about me and become what they want me to.