not a good one, november.

it’s there, yet it’s not there.

It’s visible, somehow it’s invisible.

It may look crystal clear, but the truth is it’s as hazy as fog.”

It’s not a riddle, by the way.

Okay, I’m kidding. That’s a riddle, for whoever that will get the meaning of them.

My mind kinda messed up this night. The reason? maybe it’s because it’s november now.  I always have bad romance with november since 2010. FYI, I was born on November.  and since 2010, lot of bad things happened to me on november.  on 2010, I stayed up till dawn just to finish my assignment and wake up with massive headache, and only few people wish for my birthday. on 2011 I got a not-so-big and tearing problem, even my dad shed tears back then because of me. I never saw him like that before, and my mom never stop blaming herself about that problem. thus made us kinda forget about my birthday. and on last 2012 I got a major fail at the thing that i wanted like crazy. but 2012 wasn’t as bad as the last two years. And tonight, here I am, wondering what will happen this november. that’s why somehow, I got my mind messed up.

and the riddle above, came up from my kinda-messed-mind. Basically it aims for two object. A human and a thing.
the last sentences refers to a thing, while the first two are for a human. A human that distracted my mind since I dont know when. It keep appearing in my mind and for Allah sake, it disturbed me. And opening facebook worsened that condition.

Ohmergaad, I don’t know why I am so sad because it’s there but it’s not there and it’s visible but invisible. frustrating isn’t it?

I talk about my heart if you don’t get it, by the way.

it started on May, and a small convos between me and my mom triggered it all. It changed my vision and everything. and somehow, I dunno how, i got pushed into it.

And~ since it’s november and my birthday is coming closer, i couldnt help but hoping something good will happen (who wouldn’t hoping for good thing, anyway?) . something better than the previous years.  and ugh..holisit, I couldn’t help but hoping that invisible thing becomes really visible 😥

Actually, I really am not a type of girl who loves something love story, romantic things and etcetera etcetera. and this kind of feeling really annoyed me, I tell you.

i hate how my mind became like this -___- really.

it’s all because of november.


What am I talking about?!

what a trash xP




This evening, someone called me and we had a long convos. At first I was very happy with the convos until that someone (I will refer it as “J” ) brought up some topic I hate the most. it’s about one of my family member. The topic I want to get rid the most, and J brought it up. I am not hating J for it. I hate myself because I couldnt say something to defend. Not because I dont believe my family. It’s because I couldn’t talk back to J.

Basically, this topic woke up the grudge I’ve been trying to hold up till now.  I know, holding any grudge is no good. Mom nags me a lot about holding a grudge and trying to take an avenge are not good and only destroying myself. Holding grudges and want to take avenge are the nature of snakes. Mom said, if I still holding on to them, then I am as low as snake.

First thing that came up on my mind when me and J were talking is planning a revenge. I know I don’t have any power right now, but who knows what will happen in next few years? Yeah, I am as low as snake. it’s not the first time J talk bad about my family member. I am not blaming J. I am blaming myself for not standing in the front to defend my family.

Not long after I ended my convos with J, mom called me. and something slapped me on my face.

Allah swt won’t allow me to degrade myself as low as snake. That’s why Allah makes my mom called me right after I ended my convos with J, to wake me up and pull me out of my anger.

Allah has a plan for me and my family. Everything that happens in this world are not happening w/o Allah’s will.

Whatever story that J could come up with, it’s up to J. I will not hear anything bad about my family anymore. and I won’t believe it.


J can believe what J wanna believe.

and me too!

I just wanna believe what I want to believe. And I wanna see what I am willing to see. If we don’t believe our family member, then who would believe them and help them? I know my family that anybody else in this world. And I am more than willing to die or sacrifice myself for my family.

You can say whatever you want but Allah swt never sleeps. Only Allah and ourselves know better.

I might sound annoying, rude or bad and whiny, but whatever. i don’t live in this world only to hear about what people think about me and become what they want me to.

bocah nakal = annoying living thing -__-

Two times in a row 😛

Well, everyone. tiga hari ini adalah hari yang paling sibuk, memuakkan, melelahkan dan juga menyedihkan yang pernah aku alamin. Trus juga aku menamai masa-masa sekarang ini dengan istilah The most GALAU month of the year! Oh ya, kegalauan dan kesibukan, dan kemuakan dan kelelahan dan kesedihan ini (kebanyakan dan 😛 )  ga akan berakhir sebelum November dan sea games berakhir -_-

jangan tanya kenapa dan jangan ingatkan kenapa tapi yang pasti aku muak membahasnya.

Bai de wei~ kayaknya tiga hari belakangan ini (jumat-sabtu-minggu) aku bener-bener lagi bad romance dengan yang namanya anak kecil X_____X)

Continue reading